Brought to you by Molly Roberts Studio and Metaphysical, 253 E Broadway, downtown Excelsior Springs
Here’s your Excelsior Springs Weekly Horoscopes for August 11–17! Back from vacation, sassier than ever, and fully stocked with events, bad puns, and questionable life advice.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You start the week at Team 5k pretending it’s a casual jog, but we all know you’re secretly timing yourself against strangers. Follow that up with WERQ Fitness so you can post, “Just a light workout today 💪.” End the week smashing stress at Rage Cave like the strong, slightly dramatic champion you are.
Pro Tip: If you accidentally win the Back to School Bash sack race, play it cool.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You love the finer things, so mosey to the Farmers Market for “fresh” bread (aka future toast), then indulge in a Tasting and Small Bite Pairing. Balance your refined palette with Happy Hour at the Candle Bar because your ideal evening involves wine, snacks, and ambient lighting.
Pro Tip: If anyone at Mahjong Lessons asks, you’ve been playing since ’97. Bluffing is your right.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Your week will be a mashup of Toddler Swim chaos, Open Mic Night oversharing, and Magic the Gathering strategy. The duality of man? More like the duality of a Gemini—half adorable, half terrifyingly competitive.
Pro Tip: If your “casual” karaoke performance includes jazz hands, own it.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You’re in your element at the Kids Art Workshop, quietly hoarding the best glitter. End your wholesome streak with a Winery/Wine Cave Tour so you can discuss tannins with strangers. By Sunday, you’re ready for Greg McDougal in Concert, emotionally raw and loving every second.
Pro Tip: Glitter is forever—plan accordingly.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You were born for the spotlight, so naturally, Swing Class and Waltz Class will feel like your personal “Dancing with the Stars” audition. Pop into the Hall of Writers meeting just to dramatically read your grocery list. Close out with Live Music on the Wine Garden—the band is good, but obviously, you’re the real show.
Pro Tip: Sequins are a lifestyle, not a choice.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You’re checking off life goals like items on a to-do list: Historic Preservation Commission Meeting, Community Center Board Meeting, and maybe organizing Project Generosity’s Garage Sale by color and size. End the week with Chair Fitness to remind everyone you can still get a workout without leaving your comfort zone.
Pro Tip: Your idea of “wild” is labeling the craft bins out of order.
Libra (September 23 - October 22)
Balance is key, so you’ll offset the chaos of Intro to Kindergarten with the serenity of Yoga at The Empowerment Studio. Then, just to keep life spicy, you’ll attempt No-Gi Jiu Jitsu and leave with the satisfying knowledge you could absolutely take Chad from accounting in a fight.
Pro Tip: Wear matching workout gear—it’s battle, but make it fashion.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You’re all about intensity this week—smashing at Rage Cave, locking eyes during Magic the Gathering, and whispering “checkmate” at Casa Di Vite Chess Club like a Bond villain. Wrap it all up with a mysterious glance over a glass during Star Wine Tours.
Pro Tip: Your aura is “romantic suspense novel,” and we’re here for it.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Your adventurous streak has you everywhere: Youth Tennis Camp, Oasis Outreach Benefit Concert, and somehow front row at the BBQ and Fly In on the River. You might also crash the Fantastic Auction just to bid on something outrageous “for the plot.”
Pro Tip: Your wallet may not survive, but your Instagram will thrive.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)
You thrive on achievement, so naturally you’ll dominate the ES Masters Swimming Time Trial like it’s the Olympics. Between meetings, auctions, and wine pairings, you’ll still find time to pick up a side hustle at Sign Painting Workshop—because “downtime” isn’t in your vocabulary.
Pro Tip: Gold medals are nice, but gold wine glasses? Even better.
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
Your week is weird—in a good way. One minute you’re crafting candles at Red Apple Candle Making Class, the next you’re at Donnici’s Car Show asking about “engine vibes.” Wrap it up with Free Astrology Readings with Sandi just to confirm you are, in fact, delightfully unpredictable.
Pro Tip: If the stars say “stay home,” politely decline.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Your heart’s as big as your calendar—Parents as Teachers Playdates, BYOC Crafting Day, and emotional swaying at And So It Goes. You’ll finish the week blissfully at Wine Tours, proving once again you can be sentimental and slightly tipsy at the same time.
Pro Tip: Tears at the concert are fine—just don’t drop your wine.
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