Brought to you by Molly Roberts Studio and Metaphysical, 253 E Broadway, downtown Excelsior Springs
Here’s your Excelsior Springs Horoscopes for September 1–7, 2025—the week where we all pretend grape stomping counts as cardio.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Congratulations, Aries—you’re somehow running in the Team 5k Running Group while simultaneously signing up for The Little Mermaid auditions because apparently, you’re “part of that world.” Spoiler: your solo will be drowned out by gasping for breath.
Cosmic Tip: Stomp grapes at Harvest Grape Stomp like they’re your enemies. Therapeutic and seasonal.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You love luxury, Taurus, so naturally you’ll be at the Christopher Elbow Chocolate + Wine Pairing, judging people who eat the chocolate in one bite. Then it’s straight to Happy Hour at The Candle Bar because nothing says “self-care” like drinking next to 40 burning wicks.
Cosmic Tip: Buy one scented candle. Pretend it cured all your problems.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Gemini, you’re living three lives at once: singing karaoke at The Eagles, dominating Open Mic Night with your “comedy,” and playing 16 simultaneous chess matches at Casa Di Vite Chess Club. You call it multitasking. Everyone else calls it a cry for help.
Cosmic Tip: Don’t challenge your reflection to a chess match. You’ll still lose.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Cancer, you’ll cry during Parents as Teachers Playdates, cry during Kids Art Workshop, and then cry again at Lyrics on the Lawn because someone tuned their guitar slightly sharp. At least your tears will water the tomatoes you panic-bought at the Farmers Market.
Cosmic Tip: Grapes aren’t the only thing getting stomped this week.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Oh look, Leo—your natural habitat: Burlesque Class. You’ll spend three hours adjusting your feather boa while whispering, “This is who I was born to be.” Then you’ll strut into Salsa Class just to upstage literally everyone.
Cosmic Tip: You don’t just walk into the City-Wide Garage Sale—you arrive.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Virgo, you’ll show up to the PTO Meeting with color-coded binders, a pie chart, and passive-aggressive energy. Later, you’ll de-stress with Chair Fitness, where you’ll secretly critique everyone’s posture while pretending to stretch.
Cosmic Tip: You can’t organize the City-Wide Garage Sale. Stop trying.
Libra (September 23 - October 22)
Libra, your week is all about balance: BYOC Crafting Day on one hand, Rage Cave smashing session on the other. Yin and yang. Glue and destruction. Peace and chaos. Honestly, it’s the most “you” week ever.
Cosmic Tip: At Salsa Class, twirl dramatically until someone claps.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Scorpio, you’ll haunt the Black Flame Books and Games grand opening like you’ve been waiting 300 years for this exact vibe. Then, you’ll brood mysteriously at the Chiefs Watch Party, glaring at the TV like Patrick Mahomes personally wronged you.
Cosmic Tip: Nobody trusts how good you are at Casual Commander. They’re right not to.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You can’t sit still, Sag. You’ll be stomping grapes, dancing at Hustle Class, drinking at Happy Hour, and trying to convince strangers at the Garage Sale that your VHS tapes are “vintage collectibles.”
Cosmic Tip: Karaoke counts as cardio if you flail hard enough.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)
Capricorn, you’ll treat the Lyrics on the Lawn like the Met Gala. Yes, you wore slacks. Yes, you took notes. Yes, everyone is intimidated. Celebrate your civic dominance with a stiff drink at Happy Hour.
Cosmic Tip: Try smiling during Chair Fitness. Or don’t—it’s more on-brand.
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
Aquarius, you’re the wild card. You’ll show up to Open Game Night, get weirdly competitive during Uno, then immediately sprint to WERQ Fitness just to say you “dance for cardio.” Later, you’ll announce at Open Mic that you invented karaoke.
Cosmic Tip: Don’t live-stream your grape stomp. We beg you.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Pisces, you’re floating between Toddler Swim, Home School Swim, and your bathtub like a majestic yet slightly overwhelmed fish. You’ll paint something suspiciously abstract at Kids Art Workshop, then sob at Mike Murphy’s live set because he strummed one chord too tenderly.
Cosmic Tip: Blame everything on “retrograde.” Even karaoke. Especially karaoke.
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