Excelsior Springs Weekly Horoscopes

Brought to you by Molly Roberts Studio and Metaphysical, 253 E Broadway, downtown Excelsior Springs

Gravy, Gratitude, and a Little Chaos: Events are lighter this week… which is great, because your motivation is too.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You’ll start the week at the Team 5k Running Group, declaring it “turkey prep cardio,” then immediately cancel that out with a celebratory burrito at Abelardo’s Grand Opening.

Cosmic Tip: If you attempt the Turkey Blaster workout on Friday, expect your hamstrings to negotiate for better working conditions.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You weren’t planning on moving this week, Taurus, but the stars tricked you into Toddler Swim and Free Senior Fitness Classes, which are basically guided stretching disguised as “productivity.”

Cosmic Tip: Thanksgiving at The Elms is your natural habitat — food, atmosphere, and zero dishes.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You will attend Open Mic Night ready to recite a heartfelt poem about gratitude… then forget every line and rant about pie crusts instead.

Cosmic Tip: If you say “I’m just browsing” at Permanent Jewelry Pop-Up, everyone will know that’s a lie.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You’re deeply emotional at the Making Peace Book Study, moved again during Energy Healing, and cry for the third time when Santa waves at you on Small Biz Saturday.

Cosmic Tip: No, you cannot adopt Mrs. Claus. Please stop asking.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will light up The Elms Enchanted Igloos like it’s your personal winter runway.

Cosmic Tip: The universe is begging you to avoid giving a speech at Thanksgiving dinner. Your family does not need a TED Talk about gratitude.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You treat Planning & Zoning and Hospital Board Meetings like they’re holiday parties, because nothing thrills you like structured decision-making.

Cosmic Tip: At BYOC Crafting Day, resist the urge to “fix” other people’s projects. They know the googly eyes are uneven.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

You will struggle to choose between Mid-Week Recharge Yoga and Movement & Mindful Yoga, so you’ll go to both and call it “research.”

Cosmic Tip: Don’t flirt with strangers at the Turkey Blaster workout. It’s hard to look cute while gasping for breath.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Mystery follows you everywhere — including Energy Healing, where the practitioner gently asks you to “lower your intensity.”

Cosmic Tip: If you end up at Rage Cave, no one will be surprised.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You’re fueled by chaos and cranberry sauce this week. You’ll bounce from Team 5k Walking Group to Parents as Teachers Playdates to Smashing Opportunities, leaving everyone wondering if you’ve slept.

Cosmic Tip: Santa will absolutely notice if you heckle him on Small Biz Saturday.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

Your productivity dips, but not your boss energy — which is why you’ll treat Thanksgiving at The Elms like a business luncheon.

Cosmic Tip: You’re allowed to relax. No one is taking minutes at Hanging of the Green.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

You’ll wander into Energy Healing, float through Movement & Mindful Yoga, and emerge convinced you’re now operating on a higher frequency.

Cosmic Tip: You will absolutely try to start philosophical debates in the mashed potatoes line.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You’re a holiday softie — Toddler Swim gives you feelings, Parents as Teachers Playdates sparks nostalgia, and Hanging of the Green sends you into a full Hallmark-movie spiral.

Cosmic Tip: Crying at The Elms Enchanted Igloos is allowed, but please keep it below “ugly sob.”