Excelsior Springs Weekly Horoscopes

Brought to you by Molly Roberts Studio and Metaphysical, 253 E Broadway, downtown Excelsior Springs

The stars took one look at Excelsior’s event list and said, “Oh… they’re busy-busy.” So buckle up.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You’ll blaze into the week at the Team 5k Running Group, convincing yourself this is the year you “run for fun.” By Thursday, you’ll be sprinting only if someone’s chasing you at ESHS Bingo Night after you yell “BINGO!” too enthusiastically.

Cosmic Tip: Consider Smashing Opportunities at Rage Cave—it’s cheaper than therapy and far more dramatic.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Your love language this week is carbs, so naturally you’ll be first in line at Abelardo’s Soft Opening, sampling everything like a professional food critic in elastic-waist pants.

Cosmic Tip: Reward yourself afterward with Happy Hour at The Candle Bar—just try not to knock over anything breakable. Again.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You’re thriving in chaos, bouncing from Mahjong Lessons to Open Mic Night, where you’ll probably overshare into the microphone.

Cosmic Tip: At Casa Di Vite Chess Club, resist the urge to narrate the game like a sports commentator.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You start the week soft and sentimental with Toddler Swim and end it crying in the candle aisle at Holiday Haus for no reason other than “seasonal feelings.”

Cosmic Tip: The Elf Factory may heal your inner child, but only if you stop trying to adopt all the elves.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You’ll shine at City Council, giving opinions no one asked for but everyone hears. Later, you’ll strut into the Rockin’ Around the Christmas Trees Fashion Event like a runway model lost in a Hallmark movie.

Cosmic Tip: At Vineyard Igloos, resist the urge to selfie every five seconds. The igloo will still be there.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You’ve color-coded your week around Free Senior Fitness Classes, Making Peace Book Study, and the Community Center Board Meeting because chaos is your enemy.

Cosmic Tip: “Helping” at the Community Cookie Decorating Class doesn’t mean grabbing the icing bag out of a child’s hand.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Indecisive as ever, you’ll spend Thursday debating whether to attend Miss Ramsey’s Little Artists Club or Energy Healing at Solana—so you’ll show up late to both with a latte.

Cosmic Tip: Trolley Wine Tours will restore balance better than yoga. Trust the grapes.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You’ll glide mysteriously into Mid-Week Recharge Yoga, radiating zen until someone takes the mat spot you wanted. Then it’s war.

Cosmic Tip: Attend Nerd Group on Sunday—you’ll find your people, your power, and possibly someone to debate sci-fi timelines with.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You’re on a quest for adventure this week: Wine Tours, Cookie Decorating, Live Music, and maybe a quick jog with the Team 5k Walking Group if the spirit moves you (it won’t).

Cosmic Tip: Beware: at Casual Commander, you will start a friendly game and end a sworn rivalry.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

You’re determined to be productive, attending Redevelopment Corp Meetings, Senior Fairs, and Estate-Planning-level stuff, but all anyone sees is you holding coffee and sighing dramatically.

Cosmic Tip: Let loose at Smashing Opportunities—even YOU need to break something on purpose sometimes.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

You’re vibing at Movement & Mindful Yoga, then overanalyzing humanity at Making Peace, then drifting through Christmas Pottery Sales like a boho ghost with artisanal taste.

Cosmic Tip: Don’t overthink it—buy the pottery.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You dissolve into feelings at Drum Fit, Little Artists Club, and literally any event involving small children or soft music.

Cosmic Tip: At Fence Stile Live Music, do not cry into your wine. Okay, one tear is fine.